Hello everyone 🌈❤️
I’ve been so quiet lately, so I do apologise.
But I thought I’d share a little and be open about how I have been feeling.
It’s hard to even know where to start, but also I have so much to say. I guess this maybe a to be continued blog.
About 7 months ago, I reached a point where my brain kept repeating “this is really hard”. My anxiety had crept up and the brain fog 😶🌫️ didn’t feel like it was lifting anytime soon. I just felt so heavy and down.
What was the tipping point for this to happen?
I think it was the enrolment into college and me going back into education which made me assess myself further. This is what brought back a lot of the memories of the struggles I faced at school. It was like opening Pandora’s box, and I was desperately trying hard to stuff it all back in and close the box. Because I wasn’t ready to process it all.
Being a Sen parent, means you often cast aside your own well being to focus on your children. But my brain was telling me it wasn’t ready to let this go.
Eventually the people close to me told me to go to my doctor. I explained everything to my doctor, who was understanding and referred me for Couselling. Which after my intial 2 assessments, I began weekly couselling sessions where it was spoken about how I maybe neurodivergent myself.
(But that is a post for another time)
During my counselling sessions, I am being helped to process things I have buried, and also understand and process how I see things and be reflective on how somethings are just out of my control and I can’t change the situation too. I’m so desperate to heal and help everyone, that I forget that I need to heal myself too ❤️.
Since starting my counselling we have unearthed that I carry a lot of hurt with me, I can’t get over some of the things that have been said to me about Harry. I can’t understand why people blamed me, and told me I didn’t socialise him enough which resulted in his autism and the snide remarks from strangers when out in public.
I wasn’t prepared for the fight I’ve had on my hands, to help him access things such as education. And just maybe I hadn’t really processed that autism was going to be apart of my life. Because I had to let go of some of the visionaries that I thought would happen as he grows.
I haven’t processed some of the guilt I carry over things such as Jess and the worries I have for the future. And I haven’t accepted myself for the person I know myself to be.
As I said before it really was like opening pandoras box. I hadn’t realised how much I stuffed into it and how it was bursting at the seams to get out.
Counselling is helping though, but I have noticed how very tired I get. I’ve been going to the gym with a good friend to, which is helping my mental wellbeing. But I know to be honest I should share here with you all. Because my story may help you to feel less alone.
“Sometimes you have to lose your mind, to find your freedom” ❤️
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